Gossip Girl Review: It’s Time To Get Real

So this week’s episode of Gossip Girl was slightly epic but not for the reason you think… Let’s take a look shall we.  And don’t forget to tell me what you think!!!!

According to the show runners this is the first time that Gossip Girl happened in what is as close to “real time” as they are going to get. Which means Gossip Girl will not try to become the next 24, thank god. That being said a lot happened over the span of “a couple of hours.” So much so that I had to abandon my attempt at a live review; seriously, I got about 20 minutes into the show and just said screw this.

So in true Rhodes woman form Lily tries to get her mom’s funeral underway. Only to find out that mommy dearest had already planned everything ahead of time and she is late for the wake. Bad form Lily, bad form. I guess in her defense, although I’m never one to defend Lily, she did not know that the wake was already in full swing.

Meanwhile Nate is doing what he does best, and by that I mean sleep with every single female guest star that comes on the show. Apparently this is his only purpose in the GG world anymore. However, he is rudely interrupted by Serena who wants to make everything about her and since it’s her grandma’s funeral I guess she will get a pass. Oh wait, she really wants to make the whole Charlie not accepting her invitation to coffee into a big deal, because who wouldn’t want a friend like Serena, yeah I take back the pass. Anyway, Charlie is finally agrees to meet up with the annoying one but really it’s probably just to get her off the phone so that she can have a quickie with Nate first.

Dan shows up to Blair’s apartment and they have an intense conversation about the fact that she might be able to get out of her dowry. I am sorry I still cannot get over this whole dowry thing. There could have been a billion other ways that the writers could have extended the bogus marriage to Louis. Why did they have to resort the archaic chauvinistic principle of a dowry? Have a little respect for your demographic, please! Anyway, Blair and Dan share some longing looks and then he leaves because apparently she is still living in medieval times and he has to go attend a wake for his ex-girlfriend, now step-sister’s dead granny. And at this point I just have to interject how it would be so wrong on so many levels if Dan and Serena did date. Sure, technically by the letter of the law it is not incest because it is not like they were raised as brother and sister, but come on! They are step-siblings now, that is just creepy.

Now we get another pointless guest star who is whining about her life. Georgie is bored with being gossip girl. She is dressed all frumpy with full makeup and styled hair. Her husband agrees to cover for her and bam, off comes the robe and out comes the space where apparently cleavage is supposed to go. Seriously GG costume people, you could have given the girl a few chicken cutlets, it really just looked like makeup painted a dark line in the middle of her chest. Anyway, Ivy shows up and off they go to the wake, because clearly Georgie’s dress says wake and not high-class call girl.

Chuckles is moping and runs into the bee-hive sporting Serena in the lobby. He wants intel on Dan and guess what, in true Serena, I’m okay with you dating my ex who is clearly in love with you and not me, form she tells him that Blair is about 10 steps closer to an annulment. Oh, don’t worry S, I see how you just screwed over your friend. Since surely, after years of being around Chuckles you would know by know that his highly competitive nature would come out and he would do something to drive a wedge between Dan and Blair. Don’t worry S, I’m on to you.

Back to the wake, the Irish Wake. Yes, apparently CeCe was secretly Irish and the GG Writers just forgot to tell us about it. *Shrugs*Totally plausible. Lily and Carol have a face off. Because they can’t for one second at least pretend to be family and put on a good face for the wake of their mother. Nope, they rather argue about money and who gets what. Completely not impressing Charlie who shows up during their little spat. Serena tries to get Charlie to stay but she is like, no thanks, fool me once. Seriously, Blair should take lessons from Charlie.

As Charlie is making a break for it she runs into Ivy and Georgie who tells they girls that they should team up to find out why Charlie was really not allowed to know about her family. Ugh this storyline, could it please just go away! Then Georgie flounces off to go try to find some other damage. Too bad it is her soup for brains husband that actually causes the trouble. When Chuckles emails GG to ask her to tell everyone that Dan was the one who sent in the video the dim-wit copies and pastes the whole e-mail message, including the bit where it says that it is from Chuckles. Oops!

Once Georgie sees what her wonderful hubby has done she tries to quickly tell Dan and make a run for it but he grabs her and starts to tell her off. Meanwhile, Blair does not believe a word of it and confronts Chuckles who is just, you blind? Blair starts to storm off but Dan catches up and tries to explain to her, but not before forgetting his cell phone and leaving it within easy reach of Georgie. Thus resulting in the quickest claim down of Blair Waldorf ever. OCC? Maybe, but in reality there have been so many other worse things done to her so really, she’s used to it. Then Estee (the royal creeper) shows up and tells Blair that her whole plan to annul the dowry is huge flop. Seriously this dowry thing just needs to die. Blair is so over it she listens to Estee’s wild plan about how the royals will make Blair look like the worst gold digger ever, umm hello senseless, so that she can be free of Louis and Estee can become queen. All of this is of course conveniently over heard by Georgie.

At some point during all this the Van Der Woodensens, who are completing for screen time, at their matriarch’s wake no less, are having even more drama. Serena’s dad shows up. He reminds everyone that guess what, Lily does not actually own the apartment, it was technically still CeCe’s. He also tries to get the Rhodes girls to stop arguing over who gets what in front of the guests, but they will not see reason. So Daddy Woodsen drops the bombshell that he is the executor of the estate and they all better shut it and sit down if they want to learn what part of the estate they will get.

Armed with this new information and Dan’s phone Georgie goes to Chuckles and tells him. Hey, you are about to lose all hope with Blair. You know what you should do, instead of acting like a mature adult why don’t you send in this picture of Dan and Blair kissing too GG and have it posted all over the internets. Chuckles is all for it. So twice in one day, in the span of a few hours, Chuckles tries to humiliate the woman that he loves, makes perfect sense to me. You know because every girl dreams of being humiliated at the wake of her best friend’s granny by her true love. Oh, you didn’t know that, seriously you need to brush up on your fairytales.

The Rhodes are all sitting down waiting for William to read the will and guess who else is there, Ivy. Since the Rhodes sisters can’t get enough bickering in at each other the start attacking Ivy, who is only there because CeCe wanted her there. William tells them again to shut it because they have to respect CeCe’s wishes. All of the fortune of course gets left to Lily, the “good daughter”. Hahahaha, just kidding. It gets left to Ivy, that little gold digger with a heart of well now it’s probably platinum. Oh for those of you who missed it, that means the apartment too. Don’t worry, we’ll come back to that.

Enter Dorota, who is been trying to get in touch with Meez Blair for awhile now. She tells Blair that the Royals are asking for the money now. Then shows her the GG post from “Dan”. Blair comes storming of some random room that no longer belongs to Lily and lays into Dan, not in the good way either. She is pissed because he sent in the picture. Dan tries to explain that it wasn’t him, it was Georgie who is really GG. Blair is having none of it until Georgie is like, yeah I’m the faux GG, the real one skipped town. Then Chuckles comes in and is like actually I sent in the picture, how does it feel Humphrey, losing the one you love because someone else set you up. Chuckles, where are your good lines, really.

Anyway, Dan goes after Chuckles. Not before Blair tries to get Estee to help her salvage the deal about the dowry. Oh no, there never was a deal, so sorry, that was all Georgie too. Now Blair is poor, and guess what, it’s Chuckles fault. Poor and humiliated, man that Chuckles sure knows how to show a girl that he loves her. However, apparently Chuckles did not know how much the dowry was for, at least that is what he tells Dan. Dan was trying to make him see the light and Chuckles was all, you are just as bad as I am, when Dan lays the truth on him that he just totally bankrupted the girl they both love. Chuckles is all, no, no, it wasn’t me. Anyone else think of that Shaggy song It Wasn’t Me? No, right I forget you might not be old enough, you should go google it, now, don’t worry I’ll still be here when you get back.

See what I mean? Okay back to the storyline, Chuckles is trying to blame his latest GG foul on Dan, again, rather than manning up and demands Dan tell Blair the truth, that really all this time Dan was trying to keep Chuck and Blair apart. Am I watching the same show as Chuckles? Didn’t Dan bring Blair to Chuckles so that they could get in that car accident together? Hmm… Anyway, Dan, being the martyr that he is says yes, and didn’t you just want him to whip out a handle bar mustache and start twirling it in front of them, just to show exactly how ridiculous his statement was. No, okay that was just me. Exit Dan stage left.

Blair is just exhausted at this point. Can you blame her? She just found out she is broke, has been on emotional roller coaster all day, and it wasn’t even her granny that died. She hasn’t even had time to console her BFF. She basically is just like, none of this even matters anymore Chuckles. I love you, always will (did someone hit the copy button from Serena’s speech to Dan?) but I am not in love with you, not the way you deserve. Yes, because after telling you that he is going to wait for you and then bonking Alessandra twice to get to Dan he really does deserve so much more than you Blair, totally makes sense. Then she goes home to sulk.

Carol is now all pissy because she does not have a penny to her name. William saddles up beside her, which is one of his biggest mistakes ever. The other is apparently that he slept with Carol and he is Charlie’s Daddy. That is why Charlie has not be allowed to be around the rest of the family, so no one will figure it out. Of course Georgie over hears this, because why not. Anyway, William calls Charlie and asks if she would like to talk. My guess, he is still not going to tell her that she is Serena’s half sister. Could this show possible get more incestual? So Charlie is no very related to Serena and absent Eric. She is also now half-step siblings of Dan and Jenny, for those of playing the home version of the game. Not technically but damn, this family redefines the meaning of step and half siblings.

Finally of the party guests have cleared out. Leaving Rufus, Lily and Ivy? Oh that’s right, remember I told you we would come back this. Since CeCe owned the apartment it now belongs to Ivy because everything that was CeCe’s is now Ivy’s. As such she throws Lily and Rufus out on their broke behinds because, well wouldn’t you? I mean Lily went all, oh we will always be there for you to you are a gold digging con artist pretty fast. It might have paid off to be a bit nicer to the gold digger Lily, just saying.

Blair is sulking at home, which probably soon will not be hers anymore either since her family is going to have to sell off everything to pay of that dowry. When low and behold Georgie shows up to offer her the deal of a lifetime. Blair takes it because she still wants out of her marriage and to keep her money. Now though she is indebted to Georgie, aka this is not the last we will see of Georgie, yee-ho (yes, I meant ho).

Georgie now packs up her laptop and heads off to visit the Royals so she can seal the deal that will secure Blair a divorce without a dowry. Not before she takes her laptop that is so big because it is full of secrets and secures in some nifty packaging. She tells the dim-wit nanny, aka her husband, that he is supposed to ship it off to… duh duh dun, Serena!!!!

Open shot to Dan drinking away his sorrows with a microbrew; how hipster of him. Then Blair, who apparently needs to find out what the real meaning of knocking is for, opens the door and knocks. Dan is all, my life sucks so if you come here to tell me how awful I am then don’t bother. Blair, nope that’s not it. Dan is Natefused, then you got back together with Chuckles, because he is clearly way more honest than I am and is a model of how a good man treats a woman. Blair starts to nod her head and realizes that she needs to direct her town car to the Empire. Hahahah, sorry I had to, for the Chair shippers.

In reality I think Dan actually figured out why Blair was there after he figured out that she was not there to yell at him, they were just being their cute adorable selves. SIGH!!!! Blair is all coy looking and then they start making out like it’s nobody’s business. Oh yeah and Blair told Dan that her heart no longer belongs to Chuckles, it belongs to someone else. I’ll play 20 questions with you to see if we can figure out who that person is.

This is how the episode that is supposed to be about grieving for CeCe ends, with Dair epicenes. However, the reason this episode is so epic was how little time was actually spent on mourning the death of the matriarch of the Rhodes family. Seriously, they would have been better off just showing us the reading of the will and then make up some other random excuse for everyone to be in the same place. That way it wouldn’t feel like everyone was disrespecting CeCe’s memory. Oh well, it is GG.

Episode Rating: C-

How the heck do you have an episode that is supposed to be about someone’s wake and have the grieving family competing for screen time and lines? Seriously GG writers, logic please. At least skip the wake all together!

Dair Rating: A++++++++

Blair finally admitted to Chuckles that her heart belongs to Dan. Woohooo!!! So many feelings to be had about this, it’s all so wonderful!!! Yay!

6 thoughts on “Gossip Girl Review: It’s Time To Get Real

    • Aww, I’m so happy that you liked it. I really do try to be witty when I am writing these things. Thank you so much for the feedback.

  1. BUT TWIN I DON’T CARE ABOUT any of the ridiculousness. BLAIR SAID DAN HAS HER HEART and they looked adorable. Yeah so def a Dair rating of A +++. I really loved your description of Blair as well.

    • LOL thank you. I try to do an equal balance of wit and sarcasm because really where would we be with out either? I am glad you liked the review *hugs*

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